Wednesday, September 1, 2010

FLOOOOOOM, Revisited (Poetically)

The opening panel of today's Dick Tracy strip contained one of those bizarre alliterations that left me in a poetic mood. Tracy, musing over the current case, asks "Who would want David Dierdorf D'Buckworth dead?" Somehow, the phrase "David Dierdorf D'Buckworth Dead" made me think of Shel Silverstein's old bit about Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout (Who Would Not Take the Garbage Out), and next thing I knew I was waxing poetic:
David Dierdorf D’Buckworth Dead
Had millions of dollars stashed under his bed.
He had lots of people he wanted to thank,
So he withdrew many millions more from the bank.
Then he sat on the corner and gave them away
To any small child who wanted to play.
But the children had parents who all screamed “EEEP!
This David D’Buckworth is some kind of CREEP!”
They called up the cops, and in a short while
Dave was arrested as a pedophile!
He screamed, “I’m D’Buckworth, a very rich man!
You can’t arrest me!” They said, “Yes we can!
And we’ll take out our nightsticks and clobber your head,
Dick Tracy has proved that D’Buckworth is DEAD!
So if you’re D’Buckworth, the thing we must do
Is kill you and cut off that girlie tattoo!
(for we cops all wonder what kind of a guy
would put on his shoulder a big butterfly)”
So they took him away and they smashed in his face
In the hope that Dick Tracy could now solve the case.
So the cops could go home to the friends they held dear
If not by Thanksgiving, at least by New Year.

It was probably just that I couldn't resist trying to find something that rhymes with "pedophile."

Anyway, an hour or so later I was again seized by the muse, this time by the ghost of Dr. Seuss...
I do not like D’Buckworth Dead
I do not like his hands or head.
I do not like him in the room,
I do not like him with a FLOOOOOOOM!!!!
I do not like him drinking Tab,
I do not like him on the slab.
I do not like his corpse of goo,
I do not like his lame tattoo.
I do not like his ugly crone,
I do not like her funky phone.
I do not like him, though I still
Would take his thousand-dollar bill.

I think I need to find something more useful to do with my time.

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